My Son: The Next BIG Thing

Unlimited potential oozes out of my son's big brown eyes. For all I know, I have given birth to the next superstar, U.S. President, or the guy that will lay claim to reversing all effects of global warming. But on the flip-side, there’s also the possibility I’m raising a serial killer. And though it’s all too soon to tell, I’ve decided to jot down some of the professions Dylan is showing an interest in right now- just for laughs…unless I’m right; in which case this list will have been prophetic and will be edited with a title like: “Mom’s Know Everything, Even the Future.” 

TRUCK DRIVER – This is the most obvious of choices right now because the kid is obsessed with trucks. Though size isn’t that important, he will credit a larger one with incessant applause. He waves hi to big rigs, he waves bye to buses, and then he refers to them all as “trucks” for fifteen minutes following its sighting. 

LIVE SPORTSCASTER [Of Any Type] – There’s something about a loud voice talking over a speaker that tickles Dylan’s fancy. Whether it be the grocery store PA system, the announcer at the horse races, or the guy calling your number when your food is ready, Dylan will imitate you. But he’s not just some Peter the Parrot, Dylan channels his inner Robert Barone and starts his own series of announcements. I like this job for him. 

JANITOR – Dylan is an eager beaver. He wants to sweep, wipe counters, throw away trash, clean the mirrors, toss clothes in the hamper, and even lift and move heavy objects. This is my dream child aka my personal little servant helper. There’s nothing like someone who takes pride in their work and spotless cleaning is where Dylan really shines. He’s so enthusiastic about cleaning that he’ll even make a mess just so he can clean it. Yes, my son is an overachiever. 

DRUMMER – This one loves hitting things. Before he could roll over to his back he was hitting things with his hands. He has rhythm and wants everyone to know it. Why else would he clink silverware on everything in sight? In Dylan’s world, he is the drummer and everything is drumable; including my face which regularly gets played. It’s okay son, you got the beat. 

GREETER – Dylan makes an impeccable greeter because he takes the role very seriously. NO ONE passes without getting a “hi” or “buh-bye” from Dizbaby. He doesn’t discriminate and he knows no bounds. Whether you’re a gangster, a senior, a teenager or a four year old, you’re getting greeted. So if you’re trying to be antisocial, good luck. 

A DOG – It’s going to be hard to explain to Dylan that he can be anything he wants in life as long as it’s not a dog because quite honestly, he has his heart set on it. Despite being a fantastic little walker, he likes to get on his hands and knees and crawl around barking. He drools like a dog, barks like a dog, attempts to eat our dogs’ food, and constantly attempts to gain access into the dogs’ kennels. 

In sum, I’m going to support whatever dreams Dylan has for his future. Even if it means my son is going to be a dog driving the cleanest truck ever with his head out the window yelling “hi” at every passerby. Because hey, that’s just what moms do. 

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Dylan's First Job

Long ago when I was a wee little girl growing up I dreamt of the day I would be an adult with full authority over my life. My fantasy included water fountains filled with soda and the termination of a bedtime. And although I knew one day I would have a family of my own to love and cherish, I wasn’t the type to dream about a wedding, my ideal husband or the babies I would be a mother to. The only time I imagined having kids was after my four sisters and I finished eating dinner and it was my turn to do the dishes. “I will make them do all the chores I don’t want to do!” I thought to myself. Now that I have my own little baby it’s game time.

Dylan’s a little too young to be on dish duty and despite his knack for finding what the vacuum doesn’t suck up, he isn’t quite ready to be my slave helper. But I’m a problem solver so I found a job he can do: make mommy coffee. I take my brew very seriously and my big investment has been a coffee machine that operates with a single push of a button. Babies love buttons! Dylan can’t reach the machine by himself but that’s okay, he’s still job training. 

So each morning when Dylan and I are both up I take him from his crib and tell him it’s time to make mommy coffee. I carry him to his job site, put a cup under the dispenser and as I lean in toward the buttons I tell him to push it- and he does. The loud sound of grinding beans ensues and Dylan looks at me with satisfaction. Within seconds the coffee begins dispensing and Dylan wiggles about, drunk with pride. I thank him profusely and tell him what a good job he’s done then put him down so I can enjoy the fruits of his labor. Everyone’s a winner! I always knew I’d love having kids.